I am now in my seventieth year of life and my forty-fourth year as a father.
As another Father’s Day is fast approaching, I find myself full of remorse. While Father’s Day 2017 is two days away, it is not only just now that finds me feeling remorseful; I have felt this way for many, many years now.
I often find myself thinking I could have, and should have, been a better father to my three children, all in their early 40s now. On several occasions throughout the years, I have told my adult children that I am sorry that I had not been a good father, or a better father, during their earlier years. In my attempts to help explain my shortcomings and/or failings as a young father years ago, I have also told them that I had no role model of whom I could emulate because I had been raised by my mother in a single-parent home and my father took no active role in my life until my mid-20s. I have never received a response of any kind or in any way to any of those apologies of mine.
I have the same thoughts today as I did back on June 16, 2011 when I wrote, in part, “… I often wonder about the memories my two sons and my daughter have of their childhood. In regards to their growing up years, I wonder if they enjoyed their years growing up; I wonder if they felt loved; I wonder what pleasant memories they may have; I wonder what unpleasant memories they have; I wonder what they thought of me as a father. I wonder all these things and more.”
For a better and more complete understanding of that to which I referenced in the immediate preceding paragraph, please open the embedded link to read the entire Roland’s Ramblings entry, A Father’s Wish.
I realize that the past cannot be undone. I realize that dwelling on past mistakes is not emotionally healthy. None-the-less, I am human, and as such, I am just as prone to making the same error in thinking over and over again as any other human being.
I know I should live for the present (and hopefully, for the future) in being the best father I can be. Again, none-the-less, I rue having not been the best possible father that my children so deserved in their childhood and adolescence.
I really do think that I must not have been a good father to my kids when they were growing up. I do not to think otherwise; because, I have never heard my sons or daughter say that I was a good dad or that they were proud of me or anything of a postive nature about me. It’s just that plain and simple to me; if nothing positive has been expressed, then I infer that their thoughts of me as a father are likely to be negative.
And, that saddens me. Ergo, I feel remorseful.
A few other past writings of mine in regards to fathers and Father’s Day include:
- Father’s Day, Roland’s Ramblings, June 13, 2007
- Happy Un Fathers Day, Roland’s Ramblings, June 20, 2009
- Fathers, Roland’s Ramblings, June 21, 2015
- J. K. Simmons said it! – and I agree. Call Your Parents (and Grandparents)., Roland’s Ramblings, February 23, 2015
- Call Your Parents and Grandparents. I agree with J. K. Simmons., Roland Hansen Commentary, February 23, 2015.